Blog #3 – I just don’t know… Changes I suppose.

I can’t compare myself, and I won’t (!), to any person with problems,
maybe I have just some small ones which to me are gigantic, and all I can talk is about MY OWN experience.
All I say is from my own point of view, thoughts and understandings.
I’m not a therapist or a professional (currently I don’t even have a job)
and I don’t talk facts, even when I sound (write) like I do.

If you need support, please contact a professional.
For emotional support:
http://www.suicide.org/index.html
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines
https://www.befrienders.org/

It’s hard to write, I never doubted that, but it takes a lot of effort.
And don’t feel bad, I do it for my own sake,
as I can’t put as much effort as I would like into my hobbies because of my current state.
Also, I love sharing what I do, except now it’s not just showing my guitar or movie,
it’s documenting my thoughts and progress.
Again, it’s hard for me, but I do it in a manner of therapy.

I’m going now to get diagnosed in many places, some which I never wanted to get to.
I mean, I grew up thinking crazy people are crazy, and not just people with problems…
And now I have problems, and I feel crazy, and I’m still a person as much as I can tell.
It’s hard to have problems now, because I just disconnected from almost everybody
I had around me, and in my age people don’t meet new people as much as they did in their childhood.
Everybody has their ‘gangs’, cliques and best friends already.
While they were making their friends I was busy dealing with my problems, in solitude…
So now, I have even more problems to solve, and less people to share and feel close to.

My girlfriend (I might refer to her as ‘she’) lived with me at my parents’ house for more than a year,
we helped each other all the time, each with their problems.
It helped me get a boost in my long going therapy, especially because she is very expressive,
and she listened to all my complaints and thoughts, and let me express myself.
I started noticing that I DO have feelings, only that I really don’t understand them…
It’s like trying to understand a dog – you think he’s smiling because he’s breathing heavily,
while he stares into your eyes as a threat… You thought you knew what you were dealing with,
but you were waaaaayyyy off.

Eventually, she had to leave my parents house, and go back to hers…
We both collapsed, because of the events occurring, the therapies we do, and the separation.
We are still a couple, and love each other, and all that..
Just live separately and can’t help as much as before.

Now I’m remembering how much I started to enjoy doing things when she was around,
while before I was doing nothing with joy or optimism..
And when she wasn’t home and I was, I was doing stuff just to see her reaction to it;
I’ll clean the floor, tidy up the bed and the desk.
I would clean the whole household’s dishes.
And she would come home and see that I’ve done things and be proud of me,
motivate me to do more, positively.

I’m not saying it was such a good thing we were living together, ’cause it has so many flaws.
But all-in-all – it was a good thing that we knew would come to an end.
We were ready for that change, but didn’t even know how to handle it.
It was something we talked about a lot, as we do about everything.

But it’s the aftermath that matters in these cases;
How we feel and handle our lives after stuff changes.

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